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Are you too tired to talk after work?

"Dealing With the Dead Zone: Spouse Too Tired to Talk" by Sue Shellenbarger
The Wall Street Journal, February 22, 2007; Page D1

If you answered yes, you're not alone. According to a December 2006 Harvard Business Review study, about 45% of high-earning managers are too tired to say anything at all to their spouse or partner after a long workday.

When one spouse asks "How was your day?" the other says "I really don't want to talk about it." Sounds familiar? After a long day at work when one of you are always talking to somebody or in one meeting after another where everybody is talking at the same time, you want to go home and not listen or respond to anybody. According to Dr. Christina Nippert-Eng, an associate sociology professor at Illinois Institute of Technology in Chicago, refusing to talk is "an attempt to achieve physical isolation when one can't physically leave the room."

However, such conversation dead-ends can damage relationships. The other spouse or partner will be hurt and misunderstand the silence as "you're mad at me".

Some high-earning managers said they relax after work with a glass of wine. However, although alcohol relaxes the body and eases conversation, it also makes it easy for one to take out his/her work stress at the other spouse or partner by becoming irritated and angry. This further damages the relationship. Drinking also impairs sleep. So if you or your spouse is depending on alcohol to relax after work, stop. More than one glass of wine per day for women, and more than two glasses of wine per day for men, is considered excessive drinking.

One way to deal with conversation dead-end after work is to calmly telling your spouse or partner that you appreciate the attention but just need some time alone. Some couples have established rules where one spouse or partner would ignore the other for first 30 minutes he/she gets home from work but would begin communicating after that. Other couples try to talk over phone during the day or schedule talking time after dinner. If all fails, try exercising before going home. Building physical strength helps fight stress and enables the mind to refresh.

Try everything you can and stick with whatever works for you. In all cases, don't shut your spouse or partner out of your life and not do anything to fix your problem. If you do that, you will destroy your relationship.